If you are bored with the regular horoscopes browse through this one. It's sure to get a chuckle or two out of you.
(Aug. 23 -Sept. 23)
Money is tight this month due to the prices youíve had to pay for gasoline. Instead of
the trip you have planned for all year youíll be taking a cruise on the internet surfing to the places you had planned on visiting. Be sure to grab your digital camera and take pictures so you can put them in your scrapbook.
Fast Foods: coney dogs, bratwurst, pita pockets
(Sept. 24 -Oct. 23)
Itís time to think ahead for the upcoming holidays. It wonít be long before you have little
people knocking on your door wanting candy. If you start early you can be stocked up for the trick or treaters and still be able to pay your light bill. Load as many of your kids and the neighborhood kids in your car that
will fit. When you go to the bank to cash your check the teller should give you enough candy for all the kids. Be discrete and donít let the kids see the candy. Do this weekly and you should be able to answer your door on Halloween.
Fast Foods: bbq chicken, jalapeno poppers, shrimp
(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
This is a good month to make new friendships and get those little things around the home done that just werenít top priority. Youíve been feeling sluggish and feeling alone. Be creative and make some invitations up for a housecleaning party! Carry them on you and
be sure to hand them out to new people that you meet. They should be thrilled to come, after all you arenít asking them to spend any money!
Fast Foods: nachos, potato soup, fish sticks
(Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
You are anxious to get a jump on the season and have all that pent up energy just waiting to burn off. If you must, climb a few trees and snip the leaves off so you can rake them up. Itís best not to go up there and shake them off, the neighbors may mistake that as an anger management problem.
Fast Foods: beef manhattans, corn dogs, chicken nuggets
(Dec 22.- Jan. 20)
This can be a confusing month for you and youíll tend to be forgetful. Stay ahead of the game and make notes where you are sure to see them. Recent studies have shown that women who write their notes down on fresh toilet paper rolls are less likely to be labeled as nagging. They are just considered anal.
Fast Foods: cheese pizza, chef salad, sushi
(Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
Life will be so sweet for you this month you will need to avoid the rain to keep from melting. You will be coming into an undisclosed amount of money, all those rebate forms you forgot you mailed out will finally pay off! Now you can afford that trip to the library.
Fast Foods: spaghetti, fried clams, buffalo wings
(Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
Romance is in your future. Unbeknownst to you your best friend has submitted an online singles ad for you and posted the picture of you from last years New Years Eve party. You should be getting emails very soon!
Fast Food: grilled chicken, taco salad, lobster
(Mar. 21- April 20)
Hidden treasures can be found around your home this month if you get around to doing
your laundry and cleaning out those pants pockets! Youíve been feeling left out lately and need some extra attention. Try skipping through the store when you go get groceries
and maybe sing one of your favorite commercial jingles for each item you toss in the cart.
Fast Foods: tacos, hot dogs, French fries
(Apr. 21- may 21)
Hold on to your britches this month is going to be a wild ride. Do your part in the recycling to keep the landfills from filling up. Be sure to save all the labels and boxes
from the foods you prepare for dinner. Take them to
work to decorate your office or cubicle. Donít be surprised if you get a special visit from your boss this month.
Fast Foods: cheeseburgers, chicken fingers, onion rings
(May 22-June 21)
This is a good month to bond with your kids. At night while they are sleeping gather up
all of their shoes and hide them in the shower (theyíll never look there). When they come to you in the morning looking for them, donít panic, you havenít forgotten one of your children, that is the neighborís kid.
Fast Foods: soup, fish filet, walnut salad
(June 22-July 22)
Consider taking a break from it all this month. Set an appointment up for a tour of your
local looney bin. Friends and family wonít be tempted to bother you there or ask to come along. They have special activities, three cooked meals a day, and the best part is
you donít have to have cash up front when you make the reservation.
Fast Foods: mystery meat, pudding, jello
(July 23-Aug 22)
Your home has become the gathering spot for friends, family, neighbors, and even a few
stragglers you donít recognize. It can be overwhelming if you donít put a stop to it. You
are a caring person with a big heart and donít want to hurt the feelings of others. Take a drive to your local market, purchase a few dozen eggs and head back home. Discreetly check to make sure everyone knows you have arrived back home. Start pummeling your
car with the eggs laughing hysterically. Your guests will start sneaking away one by one and most likely you wonít hear from them again for weeks.
Fast Foods: spicy burritos, ribs, pizza
Disclaimer Warning: Do not attempt any of the above mentioned stunts. They could be dangerous and have adverse effects. For entertainment purposes only. This is a joke and only intended to create laughter. Repeat: This is only a joke.